Memories as Failsafes

Tintagle, 1989

A Letter to My Past

Thanks so much for tonight.

Below you'll see the lyrics that flooded my memory tonight as you spoke about the images you posted from your trip back to England, to our England (sorry about being so "owner-y" about our life there).

I really meant what I "messaged on Facebook." while you were travelling. I was overcome with the lyrics from that song:

"To be in England In the Summertime With my love Close to the edge C-c-c-c-c-close to the edge."—Trevor Horn, Art of Noise (1983, I think)

The videos you took on your journey collapsed time for me. (And, no, I have never even been to Mousehole!)  I remembered you as if you and I were there in each other's lives again. And watching from afar, it was as if you were in another time, another place and somehow in sometime with me, yet not with me. (Now, I sound like a Kraftwerk song. Oh the banality of memories.)

Pre-Rafaelite Splendour in the Grass

Then talking with you tonight it all rushed back, like the water filling the pockets of Virginia Wolff's dress as she was drowning herself in the Thames. "Another time, another face seems to step into your place. Another time." And then she rose up and didn't drown. And she saw blue sky again. She didn't succeed in ending it. It doesn't always end as we plan or think we plan.

Birdcage Walk, 1985

I do cry at the thought. I do not know how we can be so strong even at this age, that I can cry and not end up as a basket case. But so much time has passed, I suppose. I think god let's me live in peace and grow well, grow strong again. The experience the life changing moment on  April 26, you were so right to scold me. How can I forget? I suppose because to live peace I must. I do. I forget. And then I remember and sweetly, it comes back, but also a little painfully like a current, brushing me hard to pull me under, and then it doesn't. because of that strength. Because i rise up and float. I guess we both did, really. Because we are survivors, and people who chose life. Just not a life together.

And then it was 1997, and I started to live again, and stopped dying. We could. So we did.

But before then, it was ours. Yet we had no reason to know we could have it. And then, time came, and it escaped us, or we let it go, I don't remember which. Because we were too caught up in the moment. Who the hell had time to remember when we were fighting for our lives.. It was ours.

"To be in England, in the Summertime, with my love..."

Yet after a phone call like tonight, it remains yesterday and today. All a part of one life still being lived, just separately as two lives. I shake as I write this, and I remember. But night's like tonight, I cannot imagine how we chose. How did we have the strength to choose to do what you had to do? How could you? I almost envy you.

I write with a heaving heart. I cannot express how hard it is to do so tonight.
I do cry at the thought. Then I pick myself up, dust myself off...




John Foxx – Annexe Lyrics

Once I was walking alone with a friend
And as we spoke I felt the room begin to fade
And as I looked into another face I thought I knew
I realised some other smile was shining through

Chorus
Another time

"Don't try to talk right now

Just hold me where we stand..."

Another place
Another face seems to snap into your place
Another time
Another place

Don't try to talk right now
Just hold me where we stand
You know I need so much to give some time to you
But often when I try I find that other world behind
Another time
Another place

Once I was walking alone with a friend
And as she spoke I saw the room begin to fade
I turned around to find another lover walking by me
Though she wore her hair a slightly different way.